GGB

I'm a good girl gone bad...guess I'm gone forever. So I think I've reached my breaking point. I'm tired of being so nurturing, caring and catering to dudes when they don't even recognize what is important to me. I give and give so much thinking that the person I'm with will do the same, which they rarely ever do. The amount of good girls in this world are diminishing because of so many dude's being unappreciative of what they have, and neglecting their girl for things that shouldn't even matter so much. So many dudes miss out on that ride or die chick because of their stupidity and blindness to reality. I was that ride or die chick, and I was one of those good girls that would do anything for their significant other, but that's all behind me now, tired of niggas being so unappreciative, and I'm tired of being used and abused. It's time to care about me and no one else. I'm a good girl gone bad...and yes I'm gone forever

The struggle...

Hello world,
As graduation grows near, I start to look back on my life and continue to see the obstacles that make me the person I am. To be honest I'm truly tired of struggling, most people have a support system, family, friends or groups of people to assist them in the daily struggles and obstacles of life whether it be financially or emotionally. I've had somewhat of an emotional system with my friends, but there is only so much friends can do. The lack of family support that I have had makes me despise the idea of family, the dictionary defines family as :a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for. I have not had the caring for part, my life was kind of like, hey yea your on your own. EVERYTHING is my responsibility, I have to support my own self financially, working two jobs and still not being able to make ends meet. Everything I ask for(rarely happens) is a problem, a hassle for my mother in specific, as if I'm and extra burden she just has to deal with. It frustrates me that I don't receive any kind of assistance; it's not like I have had help this whole time and my mom is trying to make me support myself, NO if it was like that I would not being having this issue right now, it's the problem that I have been supporting myself and struggling since 14 years old, no on helps me out with anything. I'm just left to figure things out on my own and it's my problem. I'm just so tired of the struggle...

Why is it?

Why is it that every time I really like someone I just jump right in and don't think twice?
Why is it that I always give my all and get hardly anything back?
Why is it that I can't trust you even though there aren't any signs?
Why is it that I can't feel loved?
Why is it that I can find the time to call and txt u to talk but u can't?
Why is it that I'm sitting here crying over you?
Why is it that I'm so neurotic and just can't let things be?
Why is it that I feel like no one ever cares?
Why is it that I feel like no one ever listens?
Why do I think so much?
Why can't I just be happy and let myself be happy?
What is happiness and will I ever find it?
Why is it that I call you my boyfriend and sometimes it doesn't feel like it?
I think I care more than you do, I think I like you more than you like me, I don't think we are going to go very far...it doesn't surprise me, they never do.
Why is it that I can never find a dude who can stick around for ME and nothing else?

Execute it

Hello world, So something new I noticed about myself...when I have something good, I love to second guess it and just tear it apart with my doubts. My brain just goes on tangents picking up subtle gestures or remarks and twisting them into horrible doubts that implant themselves in my brain. I don't know why I do it, all I know is that I start thinking about whether or not I am enough for that individual, which I know I shouldn't think that way but that is how deep my insecurities go. I display them in funky ways with doubting that anything I do is of importance. Blah maybe I should explain this to the person I am with, mayb it would help if they knew the way my brain functioned so I could be at ease a little bit. Mayb that's what I'll do. But then again what if he doesn't get it, what if he jus looks at me like i'm crazy and jus goes your thinking too much (as everyone does) I guess I'll never kno til I execute it...

The Key

Hello world, So I've taken noticed to something in my relationship patterns. If I really like a dude, I have this bad tendancy of giving my all, all at once and then backing away on the inside because I know that I do not really trust that individual with my heart. I also do this wierd thing where I will act one way, as if everything is ok and nothing is bothering me but on the inside I'm having all types of crazy thoughts, like who is he talking too? Am I enough for him? Does he really like me as much as he says he does? I mean I know most females prolly have the same thoughts that be going on in their head, but my shit really bothers me. It bothers me so much to the point that I just loose faith in the relationship and go out and start doing my own thing just to avoid getting hurt. I really want to stop doing this and actually be able to give my full all to a dude, to really be like I trust you with my heart...here have it to hold and keep safe. But I'm scared.... I don't like the feeling of uncertainty, and I want to tell him but I feel as I'm imposing something that he possibly could not even want right now and just fuck everything up from get without really meaning too. I have some serious trust issues that I need someone who is going to be patient with me in the relationship and really want to get to kno how I'm feeling and as to why I'm feeling that way.
This kind of also ties into the feeling I have with not being heard. Though I know that I am a strong individual and have strong opinions. I don't always feel like I'm being heard, or that people don't really give a shit to what I have to say. I need a nigga who willingly wants to take his time with me to listen to what I have to say whether it just be in conversation or whether it be about my feelings or past memories. I want someone who is willing to take the time to understand the individual I have become and the individual I once was...One day I wanna b able to give away the key...

Emotional thought

Hello world, I've come to you to say that sometimes I get this wierd strong burst of emotions triggered by stupid situations or a thought that is bothering me at the moment. Today this strong burst of emotions is so focused on being alone and though surrounded by many still feeling like the lone wolf. I feel like sometimes I am out of place, like I'm not a strong enough person. My life has been a total rollercoaster from start to finsih. Sometimes I like being alone and other times I wish I wasn't so awkward. I guess I'm just one of those people who are meant to stand alone through it all. May the weight on my shoulder one day be lifted...

Miss Solo Dolo

Hello wonderful world wide web, lol writing to you with a thought that is ingrained in my head at the moment. So I have come to an understanding that I have changed from the person that I use to be when I was younger, which is expected of course but I can't help feeling that I'm loosing the understanding of how to project emotions for another. More and more I find myself being around a group of people and still feeling no type of connection or tie even though these people are individuals I've known for years. It gets to even more of a complication when I try to explain crushes, and affection to others. Maybe my sense of nurturing is just diminishing as the years go on and as more of life's fatal blows hit me. Though I am still young I can't help but have the feeling that I will never find someone to accept me for the person that I am, and reteach me the sense of nurture and care. It makes me feel awkward when I can't express myself that I'm really feeling because their are consequences that come with actions, and my thinking causes way too many feelings of anxiety because I raise questions that I cannot answer. The problem with that is that I will always be hesitant to ask those questions because I think of what the answers can or can't be and I'm afraid of not knowing. Not knowing how people feel in accordance to me, it's like I always have to be reassured. Idk if anyone will be accepting of my neurotic habits until then Miss Solo Dolo it is...

The whole picture

I have started to take notice that even though I want to do more things by myself, and to be fully independent from relationships, that I still want one. I want to have a relationship that isn't so stressful, where we can be friends and chill out, talk about anything and everything. But at the same time still care for each other and want to be with each other more than the level of friendship. I guess I still have not found someone who compliments me, to that level, who actually wants to take me seriously as a person. I mean it could be my fault as well, maybe I'm not that entertaining, or maybe I'm too closed off and don't open myself up enough to let people see the person I really am. I guess the truth is, is that I'm scared to be judged, I want to live my life the way I want to but at the same time I still want to be accepted for the person that I am. I'm crazy, silly,young at heart, old by mentality, emotional, neurotic mess at times (prolly most just highly composed lol), experimental, adventurous, caring and overall lovable. Many people I guess don't see all these parts of me, they only see the quiet, conservative, standoffish me. It just makes me a little disappointed that people do not want to take the time to get to know me, whether it be for a relationship or a friendship. I just want people to see the whole picture not just apart of it.

Goals

Okay so my intentions for this summer was to set aside goals that I would like to achieve by the time I graduate college. As of late I have been distracted with the lovely many obstacles that life decides it is going to hurl my way. Now I have decided to write them down because thinking about them has not put them into action. Goal number one, first and foremost: Take better care of myself & I mean in all aspects of the word. I want to get my body in shape, be able to look at myself and not want to alter it except with piercings and tattoos. Dress appropriately and stop looking like a bum. Treat myself like a queen, pamper myself when needed.
Goal number two: Get a job that I will be happy with and make a good living to support myself.
Goal number three: By the time I graduate college I would like to have moved out of my mother's house and hopefully have an apartment by myself or roommates with someone.
Goal number four: Eventually after obtaining my graduate degree in social work most likely then going forth to obtain a few bachelors in subjects that I have interest in.
These are my four major goals that I am determined to accomplish and hopefully will accomplish. I have no time for games time to get back to work and put my mind back on the road it's suppose to be on...

Thoughts

I've been having a lot of things on my mind lately. There is a lot of situations that has been thrown at me, nothing that I haven't dealt with before, but just new ppl in the mix. The boy I spoke of in the previous blog, is still somewhat pure perfection but I can't help but to have bad thought run through my head all the time. I don't really think he is ready to be in a relationship, because his ex hurt him real bad. I hate when some females take what good guys are left and screw them up so badly that they don't even know how to act anymore. I can't tell whether or not he really wants to be with me or if he's forcing himself to be with me because he is trying to get over this whole drama with his ex. I don't like being caught up in melodrama like this but then again I can't help the feelings I have for him either. I'm caught in the middle, I want him to be happy and I want to make him happy, but at the same time I think he finds more happiness through his friends than anything/anyone else. I just don't know what to do, or what to say, sometimes I think that he is too good to be true. That though he does all the these cute things and says all these wonderful things, that his intentions are something completely different. I mean it could be me, as we all know I put too much thought into things that need no thought at all, but I can't help it. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt him I just wish I knew what was going on in his head, that would put my mind at ease...

Pure Perfection

Hello individuals of the world how are you lovely people doin? Just wanted to give ya a clue on what's goin on in my life. Met this new dude who is pure perfection at this point. I can be myself with him and I can tell him anything in confidence and know that he will understand. Slowly but surely I'm letting my guard down and will hopefully be able to love him like he deserves. My prayers have been answered and he has delivered me this wonderful, understanding and passive individual that is going to love me for me. It makes me feel at such ease to know that he is the way he is and he came at the most perfect part in my life. Pure Perfection is what he shall be called<3

I just want...

Ok... I've been doing good with my revise mode, but in my head I can't help but to keep thinking about all the things I want. I want a nigga to care, to love, to hug, to kiss, to cuddle with, to confide in when I'm stressin', to talk to when I'm sad and even when I'm happy. I've just been alone basically my whole life and sometimes I just wish that there was someone there, someone I can lean on. I carry the whole world on my shoulders and sometimes I just want someone....

Revise mode

Ok... I know I've said this before that I'm done with Mr. Yeah and I'm not going back, and other times I have not kept to my word, but this time I'm truly done. I've hit rock bottom in my book, letting dudes run my life and control my emotions. That's just not me. Imma give you guys a little bit of an update, Mr. Yeah and me like to play these stupid power trip games to see who is willing to do what for who... it's always fun when I'm winning but sucks when I'm loosing. Mr. Yeah isn't the only dude stressin' my brain, its a lot of dudes who seem to be sweet but then turn out to be vagina hunting whores lmao. I'm tired of attracting dudes who just want to get it in and that's it. I want something more meaningful, not a relationship per say but an agreement that he wants to get to know me for me and I want to get to know him for him. Be together without the stresses of a title you know? But I'm on a revise type stage with myself. I'm not feeling like the old me and thinking that this is contributing to the slut attraction problem (lol). I need to go on Miss Solo Dolo time and focus on the people who are here for me not my punani. Stop the drugs and the alcohol and focus on my health and my attitude, be more social and more open to those who are trying to get to know me. I'm on revise mode...

Neurotic much?

Hello world, back once again from being entrapped in my thoughts. But right now at this moment I'm feeling all types of funky...I'm lost within in thoughts and feelings. I feel one way but I'm thinking another. I have noticed that men is the root of my destruction. Especially if it is one that I have feelings for, I start doubting myself and getting all types of insecure. I mean I know that I have some insecurities, but overall I am pretty confident in myself to get any type of job done. (lol dirtyness going on in my head) But when it comes to a dude that I really like and I can't tell if he's feeling me the same way I get all types of messed up, like you would think I belong in a white padded room type pschyo, I believe that the roomie called it neurotic lol. This is exactly how this boy makes me feel, neurotic, flustered, and I can never stop thinking when I'm around him. This can't be healthy, I think I'm going to drive myself insane...

Weak

Hello everyone, I just wanna talk about the problem that I'm having that I'm sure many people have. Where you just have that one person who has power over you, that when they are good, they are so good and you just can't break away. And even when they are bad you still can't hope that you would be the one to make it better. Here I am melting in his hands again. I don't know what it is that makes me want him to give me attention. I don't want it to be any of those stupid games that we all play as a generation. That "Oh I still got it" or "I have her/him wrapped around my finger". I really don't want it to be that and something deep down is telling me that it is. But then again since he has somewhat of this power over me it make me just want to investigate, to take the chance and see what it is. This is unlike me, I can't have a dude run my thoughts, its just not right for me. My wrist says strength for a reason I can't just let him take it all away and leave me weak...

Take Every Word with a Grain of Salt

I think the world is turning upside down. I had the most amazing conversation with Mr.Yeah yesterday. Getting to know him is awesome but then on the other hand part of me feels like he has another agenda. It could be my mind leading me elsewhere with unimportant thoughts. My first reaction to all of it was happiness, that "YES! I'm finally being noticed for the effort I put to build a friendship/ connection with him" but then the other half of me is like "What if he's just trying to prove some point that he has me wrapped around his finger?" One of my good friends put my mind into perspective last night she said to me, " That's great Xio, but just in case, TAKE EVERY WORD WITH A GRAIN OF SALT." So that is the mission to take every nice thing he says with just a tad bit of salt... Just to make sure what he says is true...

Love Song

Hey everyone, I'm back in school now so I'm just trying to get my stuff together, hence why I haven't been posting. The hot topic for me today is love songs. For the record I do not want a relationship anytime soon but would definitely love to have a guy or girl care for me as much as they sing about in love songs. Half the time I have to second guess what these singers and rappers are saying because I have not discovered not one person who has those type of feelings for another person. I feel as if I live in this fantasy world when I listen to these songs envisioning some person singing those words to me and expressing the fact that they couldn't live their life without me. Ehhhhh something I think about from time to time when I listen to my music, close my eyes and fall into a love song of my own. The only problem is the song isn't forever I eventually have to open my eyes and realize that there is no one there. That he/she hasn't found me yet, to go back to the struggles of life alone. I don't care for titles, that boyfriend/girlfriend shit because I've realized that it just complicates situations by having to live up to the connotations that go with it. All I could ever want is for someone to care and love me for all of me, my imperfections, as well as for what I have to offer... My Love Song

My Moment

So today I had my moment, my moment to take an emotional stand over the power that Mr. Yeah had over me. The situation played out as follows: He texted me regarding the fact that I had been ignoring him and that basically if I was going to continue to ignore him that I should return his keys. Contemplating the situation, I went back in forth in my thoughts should I just give the keys back or should I feed back into the game. My decision was clear, I wasn't going to feed back into the game. So I went to his house gave him the keys without saying a word and left. I really didn't expect him to come after me and actually ask me if there was anything up but he did, I said no, to later text him and say, "I want what I can't have so I have so I have to cut you off for a bit."
The thing with this statement is that he is automatically going to assume that I wanted a relationship from him. Which is definitely not the case, what I wanted from him was attention and for him to show he cared if he really did care. I knew that would never happen so I had to take a stand, and have my moment to declare that I am not going to be a part of your game, you will not have my heart, and I will not let you have that power over me. It was fun while it lasted and hopefully one day we can be friends without the complications or the awkwardness. All I know is he can think what he wants, feel how he wants (if he feels anything), I had my moment... time to move on.

Trick or Treat

To start off I've been lost in my thoughts and actions once again, as well as couldn't remember what my password was for this thing lol. But I titled this blog trick or treat because that is exactly what our generations dating game has turned into. First of all it's not even dating anymore, it's more how long is it gunna take for me to get into this female's pants. There is no real emotion behind it anymore.In most situations it's the boys manipulating the emotions of the female, and when the female has had enough of that she then becomes the manipulator and thought of to be heartless.
To get in more detail Mr. Yeah has lost his title in my eyes, he WAS my friend but since the whole relation thing took more precedent to him, he manipulated my emotions making everything complicated, in my world at least. I woke up from my little fantasy world, thinking that maybe if I was sweet enough, kind enough it would get him to think of me more than just a sex symbol. I gave him the treat and he retaliated by the trick.
This is what females really need to pay attention to, the players of the game. The guys who really don't give a fuck about you, but they are sure damn good at pretending. When you've finally had enough from that ex boyfriend or ex fuck buddy and have moved on and have almost forgot about him you receive the text or phone call:
Boy: Hey I just wanted to see how you were doing
You: I'm fine (in the most angriest tone you could think of)
Boy: Ok well I don't wanna bother you just wanted to say hi
And then you have your moment of weakness thinking, "Maybe he's changed, Maybe he realized what he lost" WRONG it's a trick and the treat is knowing that he has the power over you and he has your heart. Well I'm done with that game, FUCK YOUR TRICK OR TREAT!