The whole picture

I have started to take notice that even though I want to do more things by myself, and to be fully independent from relationships, that I still want one. I want to have a relationship that isn't so stressful, where we can be friends and chill out, talk about anything and everything. But at the same time still care for each other and want to be with each other more than the level of friendship. I guess I still have not found someone who compliments me, to that level, who actually wants to take me seriously as a person. I mean it could be my fault as well, maybe I'm not that entertaining, or maybe I'm too closed off and don't open myself up enough to let people see the person I really am. I guess the truth is, is that I'm scared to be judged, I want to live my life the way I want to but at the same time I still want to be accepted for the person that I am. I'm crazy, silly,young at heart, old by mentality, emotional, neurotic mess at times (prolly most just highly composed lol), experimental, adventurous, caring and overall lovable. Many people I guess don't see all these parts of me, they only see the quiet, conservative, standoffish me. It just makes me a little disappointed that people do not want to take the time to get to know me, whether it be for a relationship or a friendship. I just want people to see the whole picture not just apart of it.

Goals

Okay so my intentions for this summer was to set aside goals that I would like to achieve by the time I graduate college. As of late I have been distracted with the lovely many obstacles that life decides it is going to hurl my way. Now I have decided to write them down because thinking about them has not put them into action. Goal number one, first and foremost: Take better care of myself & I mean in all aspects of the word. I want to get my body in shape, be able to look at myself and not want to alter it except with piercings and tattoos. Dress appropriately and stop looking like a bum. Treat myself like a queen, pamper myself when needed.
Goal number two: Get a job that I will be happy with and make a good living to support myself.
Goal number three: By the time I graduate college I would like to have moved out of my mother's house and hopefully have an apartment by myself or roommates with someone.
Goal number four: Eventually after obtaining my graduate degree in social work most likely then going forth to obtain a few bachelors in subjects that I have interest in.
These are my four major goals that I am determined to accomplish and hopefully will accomplish. I have no time for games time to get back to work and put my mind back on the road it's suppose to be on...

Thoughts

I've been having a lot of things on my mind lately. There is a lot of situations that has been thrown at me, nothing that I haven't dealt with before, but just new ppl in the mix. The boy I spoke of in the previous blog, is still somewhat pure perfection but I can't help but to have bad thought run through my head all the time. I don't really think he is ready to be in a relationship, because his ex hurt him real bad. I hate when some females take what good guys are left and screw them up so badly that they don't even know how to act anymore. I can't tell whether or not he really wants to be with me or if he's forcing himself to be with me because he is trying to get over this whole drama with his ex. I don't like being caught up in melodrama like this but then again I can't help the feelings I have for him either. I'm caught in the middle, I want him to be happy and I want to make him happy, but at the same time I think he finds more happiness through his friends than anything/anyone else. I just don't know what to do, or what to say, sometimes I think that he is too good to be true. That though he does all the these cute things and says all these wonderful things, that his intentions are something completely different. I mean it could be me, as we all know I put too much thought into things that need no thought at all, but I can't help it. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt him I just wish I knew what was going on in his head, that would put my mind at ease...