GGB

I'm a good girl gone bad...guess I'm gone forever. So I think I've reached my breaking point. I'm tired of being so nurturing, caring and catering to dudes when they don't even recognize what is important to me. I give and give so much thinking that the person I'm with will do the same, which they rarely ever do. The amount of good girls in this world are diminishing because of so many dude's being unappreciative of what they have, and neglecting their girl for things that shouldn't even matter so much. So many dudes miss out on that ride or die chick because of their stupidity and blindness to reality. I was that ride or die chick, and I was one of those good girls that would do anything for their significant other, but that's all behind me now, tired of niggas being so unappreciative, and I'm tired of being used and abused. It's time to care about me and no one else. I'm a good girl gone bad...and yes I'm gone forever

The struggle...

Hello world,
As graduation grows near, I start to look back on my life and continue to see the obstacles that make me the person I am. To be honest I'm truly tired of struggling, most people have a support system, family, friends or groups of people to assist them in the daily struggles and obstacles of life whether it be financially or emotionally. I've had somewhat of an emotional system with my friends, but there is only so much friends can do. The lack of family support that I have had makes me despise the idea of family, the dictionary defines family as :a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for. I have not had the caring for part, my life was kind of like, hey yea your on your own. EVERYTHING is my responsibility, I have to support my own self financially, working two jobs and still not being able to make ends meet. Everything I ask for(rarely happens) is a problem, a hassle for my mother in specific, as if I'm and extra burden she just has to deal with. It frustrates me that I don't receive any kind of assistance; it's not like I have had help this whole time and my mom is trying to make me support myself, NO if it was like that I would not being having this issue right now, it's the problem that I have been supporting myself and struggling since 14 years old, no on helps me out with anything. I'm just left to figure things out on my own and it's my problem. I'm just so tired of the struggle...

Why is it?

Why is it that every time I really like someone I just jump right in and don't think twice?
Why is it that I always give my all and get hardly anything back?
Why is it that I can't trust you even though there aren't any signs?
Why is it that I can't feel loved?
Why is it that I can find the time to call and txt u to talk but u can't?
Why is it that I'm sitting here crying over you?
Why is it that I'm so neurotic and just can't let things be?
Why is it that I feel like no one ever cares?
Why is it that I feel like no one ever listens?
Why do I think so much?
Why can't I just be happy and let myself be happy?
What is happiness and will I ever find it?
Why is it that I call you my boyfriend and sometimes it doesn't feel like it?
I think I care more than you do, I think I like you more than you like me, I don't think we are going to go very far...it doesn't surprise me, they never do.
Why is it that I can never find a dude who can stick around for ME and nothing else?

Execute it

Hello world, So something new I noticed about myself...when I have something good, I love to second guess it and just tear it apart with my doubts. My brain just goes on tangents picking up subtle gestures or remarks and twisting them into horrible doubts that implant themselves in my brain. I don't know why I do it, all I know is that I start thinking about whether or not I am enough for that individual, which I know I shouldn't think that way but that is how deep my insecurities go. I display them in funky ways with doubting that anything I do is of importance. Blah maybe I should explain this to the person I am with, mayb it would help if they knew the way my brain functioned so I could be at ease a little bit. Mayb that's what I'll do. But then again what if he doesn't get it, what if he jus looks at me like i'm crazy and jus goes your thinking too much (as everyone does) I guess I'll never kno til I execute it...

The Key

Hello world, So I've taken noticed to something in my relationship patterns. If I really like a dude, I have this bad tendancy of giving my all, all at once and then backing away on the inside because I know that I do not really trust that individual with my heart. I also do this wierd thing where I will act one way, as if everything is ok and nothing is bothering me but on the inside I'm having all types of crazy thoughts, like who is he talking too? Am I enough for him? Does he really like me as much as he says he does? I mean I know most females prolly have the same thoughts that be going on in their head, but my shit really bothers me. It bothers me so much to the point that I just loose faith in the relationship and go out and start doing my own thing just to avoid getting hurt. I really want to stop doing this and actually be able to give my full all to a dude, to really be like I trust you with my heart...here have it to hold and keep safe. But I'm scared.... I don't like the feeling of uncertainty, and I want to tell him but I feel as I'm imposing something that he possibly could not even want right now and just fuck everything up from get without really meaning too. I have some serious trust issues that I need someone who is going to be patient with me in the relationship and really want to get to kno how I'm feeling and as to why I'm feeling that way.
This kind of also ties into the feeling I have with not being heard. Though I know that I am a strong individual and have strong opinions. I don't always feel like I'm being heard, or that people don't really give a shit to what I have to say. I need a nigga who willingly wants to take his time with me to listen to what I have to say whether it just be in conversation or whether it be about my feelings or past memories. I want someone who is willing to take the time to understand the individual I have become and the individual I once was...One day I wanna b able to give away the key...