No More Drama...

I definitely have reached the end of my rope. I believe that not everyone are meant to be parents, and to reach further into that thought I believe that my mother is just one of those people. She is too obsessive and I spend most of my time trying to be the adult while she sits there and tries to reason with me about how keeping me hostage in the house is reasonable because I hang out with my friends too much. Unfortunately my mother wasn't the individual who made me who I am,my father was, though that man is fucked up in so many ways, he raised me, he made me be the strong individual that I am today. I feel as if my mom spends too much time on trying to be my friend and find any way possible to pry into my private life taht she neglects her motherly duties. She spends more time giving me stress and drama then she does helping me. I'm coming to the point that I can't take it anymore, but I have no idea how to handle it anymore. In my opinion I've trieds everything possible, I've sat down and explained how I felt and what I believe is wrong with the situation and it worked for like a week then she went back to her original psycho self. Then I tried just doing what she asked, hang out with her for a while and stay home, then go out with my friends and then she got greedy and started fighting with me even more. I try just ignoring her and doing what I want anyway and all she does to that is bring the people around me drama. I tried to explain to other people my side to explain to her and of course that backfired because she had already told them that I supposedly don't listen, and filled their heads with a bunch of nonsense. I just don't understand why I'm getting this nonsense from her and my family. I'm the bad child in their eyes yet my cousin did the same things I'm doing right now and do you think she got this bullshit? Of course not, she was fine doing whatever the fuck she wanted without having a public jury to sentence her for everything she does. Ugggggghhhhhh it's annoying to be the black sheep in the family because your the individual who gets judged and harrassed and pretty much at the end of it they think you worship the devil and get an exorcist to take the demon out of you. I hate the fact that I am being prevented from being the individual that I am and held back for stupidity. One thing that the whole world must know about me is that I HATE drama and I HATE conflict but if you get me to the point of no return it is something you will regret immensely. And quite frankly mother or not, family or not I will send you to hell and won't look back. My mom is lucky that I have restrictions to what I could do right now because if I had enough dinero I would have been out a long time ago, change my number and she would have never heard from me again. I'm counting down the days of freedom and NO MORE DRAMA...

All good boys...

All good boys make you nervous, but in a good way.
All good boys make you happy.
All good boys make you giggle.
All good boys make you smile uncontrollably
All good boys make you not stay mad at them.
All good boys look out for your needs
All good boys like to cuddle
All good boys don't come around too often.
I know that in my last few blogs it has been bashin Mr.Yeah, but I can't help but to not be mad at him. I knew exactly how he was when I started messing with him. But there is something that is new with the situation. I, myself, have come to the realization that he does like me, whether or not it is going to turn into someting more? I don't know and part of me doesn't really want to know because I'm happy with the way it is. The curiousity still kicks in of course but I don't really need to know. To be happy with what everything is and to not be concerned of what comes next, and to truley go with the flow is an amazing feeling and I'm loving it. No hassle, no arguments, just chill, laid back, fun and comfort that is a good boy.

Are You Listening?

Have you ever felt that when you talk no one listens? I feel like that's the second true reason why I started this blog. every time I talk I see that you attention is elsewhere. I understand people listen in different ways and I'm not trying to sound like an attention whore but I would just lie some acknowledgment. Show me that you're listening, make me feel as if my words are important and mean something to you. The fact that sometimes the question comes up: Are you listening? Is frustrating and at times and makes me lose the want to speak. I've noticed as I've grown older that I had become a lot quieter and when people say: Tell me about yourself... I find that I have nothing to say. I am that individual who is mostly quiet when serious discussions are in play, having this feeling of doubt in my voice, like my thoughts are not strong enough of worth listening to. I don't know, I think I overstated my point and now rambling but the real question is: Are You Listening?

Reality Check

Ok people remember Mr. Yeah? Well I got a reality check this weekend. I was so involved in the sweetness and feelings that were mixing in and how nice it was to have someone that I completely forgot that it's not a relationship. Him and I are simply connected sexually, we do not hold that overbearing sense of ownership over each other's head. when this realization came I was first hurt, in a sense disrespected at the fact that he kissed another female in front of me and then brought a different female over to his house where I was also staying. Understand he did apologize and felt bad but who am I to say a thing? It is what we agreed on or at least I believe because it wasn't verbalized but the actions speak louder than the words ever could of. At the end of the night his family telling me don't be phased he really DOES like you. But what does it matter now we are only sexually bonded. Plus isn't that what The Dream meant in the song when she went off and got herself a boyfriend? It's too late, I received my REALITY CHECK... my feelings are slowly starting to shift.

Release

So there is two things that I actually want to discuss since I missed last night's blog. Yesterday I experienced something new and relieving sensation while in the midst of sex.To open up completely and let every feeling come through, to start off slow and then build up. To feel vulnerable to that other person and have a connection physically. Feel every touch, kiss and movement. To get drunk off another's touch, to be in such a place that you don't want to leave. I've never reached until now. To be honest this description doesn't even begin to really explain how it really felt, this is just a tease. It opened me up entirely and gave me a high, a natural high that I have not attained before through any manner. Thank you Mr.Yeah for that release...

Courthouse

I have noticed that everything in this world contradicts itself. We have fredom of choice but yet the choices we make are still not accepted world wide. it's great to the fact that each individual has their own opinion to what they like and dislike but it comes to a point where you ask: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT ME FOR ME? I mean it is not only in situations of jobs that your choice is discriminated but in relationships with those of the opposite sex and even your own parents. You think that the people who gave you life would respect the choices that you make, them knowing that they raised you the right way, but I guess not. The point as I ssee it is that the only one who should judge my choices is myself. I am my own judge and jury, I will give my own sentencing no one else...

Equilibrium

Sorry about the moody post, but was feeling a tad sentimental that day. But back to business out of that time of clarity I saw that you don't need to be surrounded by a lot of people and feel a deep connection with all of them. All you need is 3 individuals that balance you. You have an intimate relationship with these 3 and they balance your personality and your space. You feel a sense of relief with these individuals and with this you can hang out with any one else along with these three and not feel by yourself in anyway. I found my equilibrium my three individuals that I know will be there for me and give me clarity during a chaotic time. I am balanced and reach my point of equality. <3 My Equilibrium

Self

So today I have come to the harsh realization that you can only depend on yourself. Not just for getting things done but for everything. People aren't always going to have your back and when you think they do they really don't. Being by yourself is annoying and sometimes very lonely, but you might as well cope with it. I feel like I have no real connection to anyone, that I am just a social outcast. I feel like I try so hard to form this bond and connection with everyone, but it just doesn't work. I am alone and have no one to depend on. I can't form a connection with anyone I am by my self... Seems like the only true connection I really need is with MY SELF.

Freedom

My night of perfection marked a new era in my life officially. I feel free, free spirited, free to live life to it's fullest and to not care what goes wrong. My life has been heading in a very good direction, got a new job, have great friends (aka the equilibrium), my Mr. Yeah. It's been really good, the bad doesn't seem to phase me. I'm embracing the obstacles that life is throwing at me, and making new choices. Embracing myself and no one else. No one is here to hold me back. I'm flourishing like a flower in spring, I'm shedding a new skin a beginning a new. Just free falling endlessly and not hitting bottom. Not worrying about hitting a bottom or for someone to catch me because I'm just going to continue falling, feeling FREE with the never ending breeze...

Night of Perfection

So lately after my unfortunate break up I've been taking up a motto to live life to the fullest. One of my favorite quotes to contemplate is:

Are you living or are you existing?

I realized now that before I was just existing in the world and going about the motions. Now I chose to live my life, take chances, be spontaneous, and have fun. So now I live my life and have fun with friends, go down to the city just for one night and chill. Take chances and spend that one night of perfection...

Desires

Something that has just been rolling around in my head lately is the idea of "want". When your in a relationship or having relations with one of the opposite sex, the idea of "want" gets lost. I don't understand how someone can forget or loose their opinion of what they want. I feel like it is more guy's not knowing what they want and females knowing exactly what they want. You always pose the question:

What do you want out of this?

Or something along those lines and you always receive the answer:

I don't know.

But the point I want to make is how can you not know. What is so difficult about being decisive about your desires. There aren't too many choices to choose from in a relationship. It's either you want to stay with that person and work things out or you want to forget about it and move on with your life. Maybe it has more to do with the fact that people can't read their own feelings. Maybe you don't really know how you feel about that other person causing you to utter the words: I don't know.
But with these words come feelings of hurt and confusion to the other person where they start to question themselves and think: Did I do something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not someone who you want to be with?...

The Growing Stages

Sorry about missing my blog last night, it got a little crazy. But back to business... Everyone has their growing stages where they start to realize what they did when they were younger was crazy and can't believe they did such things. Well it's coming to a point where I am starting to slow down on the crazy things I've done and grow more into an adult. But it isn't just me that is coming to this realization it is my social circle as well.

"Next semester is going to be strictly business"
"I know right, it's too much effort to party, I got shit to do."
"Word, getting all dressed up for a party, for what you come out looking like shit anyway"

It's true partying has come to a slow down, drinking to get messed up is no longer fun. Partying to look like shit at the end is no fun. We are just taking another step in our growing stages, becoming adults, realizing what's really fun and what's really just dumb...

Mr. Yeah

My question to you all would be: What is considered a perfect relationship? or is there really such thing as a perfect relationship? Would it be better to just not share your feelings with that other person and maintain more of a sexual attraction towards each other and let feelings get mixed in without even stating them?

Boy: I miss you
Girl: I miss you too
(cuddle and kiss and smile as if we see the world in each other's eyes)

Or is it better to share every feeling with that person, even feelings of anger and confusion?

Girl: What do you want to come out of this?
Boy: I don't know
Girl: Wrong answer
(hang up the phone, with such hurt and confusion running through both minds)

I think a part of me wants to believe The Dream's song, that there is a Mr.Yeah and that I might have that person. To believe that I deserve a better man and he's got the better plan. That he is my own personal cupid and there is no other guy like him. Yeah come to think of it I think he is my Mr. Yeah...

Celebrate Good Times...

So to uplift the mood of my blog because it seems a little depressing to me, and a little too hate the world, so I have good news. I made a great accomplishment of achieving something by myself. I got a job at NYU Langone Medical Center as a telephone operator. It's not the fact that I got the job that makes me happy even though it is part of it. More so what makes me happy is that I did it independently. I applied for the job, submitted my resume, and went on the interview. I did it without help from my mother. I have gotten something accomplished it is my first step on becoming a true adult and being on my own. Today is a good day people of the world wide web. I'm going to go celebrate good times I suggest you do the same...

Lost

There comes a point in everyone's life that all of your thoughts get mushed into one and you can't differentiate one from the other. It's just a big mess in your brain kind of like having all of your clothes thrown all around your room and you can't see the floor. You try to make sense of this confusion but you don't know where to start and what feeling goes to what situation.

"He's so awesome, but what does he really think of me?"

"I just don't understand what he wants from me? Why can't he just leave me alone?"

"If given a second chance would I take it or just let it go?"

"Will I ever find that person that is right for me?"

"Am I running away from my destiny? Does that even really exist?"

"Do I really have feelings for him or is just conflicting with feelings for another?"

Trying to make sense out of all these thoughts to regain order within this chaos, to find what my heart truly wants. It's hard to follow when the path is dark and twisted and the sound of my heart is faint compared to loudness of my thoughts. I'm lost...

Withdrawn

I've learned so far that you can't ever give your complete self to anyone. It does not matter who it is, you can loose who you are because people are deceitful, you get mixed up in your emotions to then realize that person is a liar, or to be hurt in such a way that it changes you.

"I gave you my all and yet I still wasn't good enough. I gave you me on a platter I let you in, I brought down my walls and for what to now struggle with who did what and you realizing you made a mistake?"

Trying to live life to fullest and not let the outside factors of pain and lies come in holding a hard exterior keeping in the back of my head that at any second my world on the inside can come crumbling down. Being withdrawn from society so as to save my real self to keep the joyful carefree individual that is slowly fading away...

Session 1: The Beginning

I always wanted a place where I could write down my thoughts and have someone, or rather anyone be able to come into my mind and find a place where they can understand me on a more intimate level. I want to be able to share my thoughts, morals, situations, my world with the world of technology. Naming my blog road to recovery is my way of taking a step to letting out a lot of things I have been holding in, using blogspot as therapy, a way to heal myself from the obstacles and troubles that life throws at us all. This is session 1, the beginning of my rollercoaster...